Saturday, October 30, 2010

Go Away Lady Bug

For as long as I can remember, the lady bug has symbolized good luck.  As a child I always viewed them as one of the more attractive and harmless insects. And they were supposed to be good luck. I haven't felt that way in a long time. My first bad experience that occurred after seeing a lady bug happened a year ago. It was July 2nd and it was a Thurs. I remember because that was the day I was having my eggs retrieved. The next day I became very ill.  It lasted most of the summer. I went through 3 courses of antibiotics and two courses of steriods. I even lost some of my hearing (it never came back). My next encounter was on July 19th.   I will always remember that date because it was the day that my husband's niece was born and the day that I got my period after my last try at IVF.  Since then I've been skeptical every time a lady bug crosses my path.  

Fast forward to June of this year.  I see a lady bug out on my deck.  That night Max peed in the bed.  That was very uncharacteristic of him.  We took him to the Vet. and find out that he's diabetic.  Two shots a day and he can no longer have all of the foods that he loves because they are high on the glycemic index.  

It was a Saturday.  July 17th to be exact. My husband and I were going to tour a brewery with his parents at noon.  I decided that If I got up early enough I would go visit my mom in the hospital. She was back in ICU and they had limited visiting hours.  She'd been back and fourth between the hospital and nursing home since she'd been operated on several months earlier. They had just moved her back to the ICU the evening before upon my insistence. She began slurring her words the Sunday before and each day it seemed to get worse. She was x-rayed, and had several CT scans. Nothing. They found nothing.  After being moved the doctor told my brother, "we're going to get to the bottom of this." That night my sister said that my moms vitals were stable and she was talking (she had not been able to do it much that week).  That evening I was relieved to hear it and slept well that night.  Sat. morning I got up early and decided that I'd go see her.  I was washing my glass at the kitchen sink and noticed a lady bug on the window screen in front of me.  My stomach started to churn and I became a little uneasy but put my thoughts aside and remembered what the doctor had said the night before. Still,  I was feeling anxious. I drove faster than normal to the hospital that morning. I knew that most likely no one would be visiting her that early because they were there late the night before.  When I reached the hospital my heart was pounding, I was alone. The walk to her room felt like a never ending maze. I made a left into the wrong ICU. I didn't see her in any of the rooms.  After asking one of the nurses at the desk I was directed to the ICU on the opposite side of the hall. I nervously looked into each of the rooms. Then I saw her, only I didn't recognize her. Her mouth was open but tightly pursed, like the drawstring to a gym bag, but open enough to take a deep breath.  I had seen this look before on my grandmother and uncle before they died.  I was a crazy woman.  I asked question after question to the nurse coming out of her room. Why wasn't she looking better? I didn't understand. "What is her prognosis?" The nurse said that she was comfortable and this is what happens to people her age (but she was only 76) when they have multiple infections (she had just informed me that my mother had MRSA) and their kidneys start to fail.  What?! I told the nurse that my mom was speaking, eating and joking around only a week earlier. She was being treated with antibiotics for the C.diff  and her lungs were clear.  "When did her kidneys begin to fail?" I asked. The nurse didn't know what to say, she only had my mom since the night before.  I walked into the room and placed my hand on my mom's arm.  She was not responding to my presence. I had to leave. I left the room and went down the hall to call someone, anyone.  I called my husband and began crying hysterically. I left a message for my brother, who was working, and called my father once I gained control of myself.  There were so many questions. I had no answers. It was 10 o'clock in the morning and I no longer felt like myself. I knew that what I was feeling were the feelings of a woman who, after that day, would no longer be able to speak of her mother in the present tense. I knew that my mother was going to die that day, and she did. At 5pm that afternoon my brother, sister and I lost out mom and my father lost his best friend of nearly 50yrs (their 50th would've been on Sept. 10th). We were all there to see her take her last breath.  It was surreal.  I never thought we'd lose her this early. And for the first time, I truly understood the pain that she must have felt having watched her parents and two brothers pass away. I hope that she is with them now. She'd speak fondly of them and would never fail to tear up when reminiscing about the "old days".  That kind of pain was foreign to me because I was always comforted by the fact that she and my father were still alive as well as my siblings. It is a new day, it is a long day, and it is a painful day. 

My heart goes out to all of you ladies that have lost your moms and dads. This is not easy. 

Tuesday, March 30, 2010

Mom Still In ICU

I haven't felt like blogging much lately.  I'm sorry that I'm missing your posts, life has been exhausting.  My mom was supposed to be in ICU just for a weekend but she's still there.  The nurse described her as being "very frail".  It sounds so strange to hear those words.  Nothing was ever "frail" about my mother.  She's used to be about 5"7", was always complimented on how young she looked and acted and the doctors used to tell her that she was so healthy.

The visiting hours are very limited in ICU (10am-1pm, 3pm-6pm, and 9pm-10pm) and they only allow 2 people at a time.  It's so sad seeing my dad look at her.  She never used to get sick...ever.  I walked out to get us some coffee and when I came back my dad had his hand on my mom's hand and he was praying.  I had to look away because I started to cry and didn't want to make either of them upset.  My mom has a tube through her nose and down her throat so she can barely be understood when she speaks. She's never had surgery before so this type of pain is probably a shock to her particularly at her age.

It's been incredibly difficult watching all of this happen.  I'm finding myself praying frequently and I haven't done that in a really really long time.  I feel so helpless.

Saturday, March 20, 2010

Mom Is In The Hospital

I've been very pre-occupied lately because my mother went into the hospital for an intestinal infection Tuesday.  She's going to be 76 in April.  She had just gotten out of the hospital/rehab facility last Nov. were she had been for two months due to complications of rheumatoid arthritis and vasculitis.  The thing is, she was never sick before.  A little over a year ago she was walking around, shopping, doing laundry, etc.  Now she just sits on the sofa.  She won't go up the stairs because they are very long and she needs to use a walker.  Her legs will give out on her sometimes and it makes her afraid to walk.  Plus she has my dad and sister around to do things for her.  She hasn't slept in her bedroom in over a year.  It's very sad because she can do it if she wanted to.  But she doesn't.  She's been very depressed and will not take the anti-depressants that were prescribed for her.  She walks when the physical therapists come but when they're gone she won't even walk to the kitchen to get herself a drink.

To make matters worse she just went back into the hospital for surgery because of an intestinal abscess.  She's been on steroids for her rheumatoid arthritis and it makes it difficult for her body to heal.  She had the surgery yesterday and is in the ICU right now.  She's never had surgery before and her biggest fear was that she would need a colostomy bag.  The surgery went well and she didn't need to have a bag.  So that was wonderful news.  My fear is of complications.  They seems to follow her like a shadow.  I also hate the hospital that she's in.  It's close to my parents house and my father doesn't feel comfortable anywhere else.

Horrible Hospital Story Ahead:

When my mother was in the hospital last year her cardiologist (who was assigned by the hospital) came in her room at 7am and had her sign a consent form to have a pacemaker put in the following morning! This doctor was very good at one time many years ago but now he's a quack!  He hadn't even considered that the medication they had put her on a few weeks earlier had been causing her irregular heartbeat. We were able to postpone the surgery but he still scheduled a stress test that next morning without anyone knowing.  Her heart was fine thank God.  Why would you do that to a person that you thought was in serious need of a pacemaker?!  He'd prey on her when she was alone or when my father was there (he's 81, can't hear well, and won't argue with a doctor).  We eventually had to threaten police action to get him away from her.  Long story short, her heart was fine and the new group of cardiologists that we'd selected said that she was lucky she did not have the surgery.  Her steroid dosage was very high in order to get her vasculitis under control and everyone feared that she would not heal properly. One doctor even told my mother that he felt that I had saved her life.  My sister and brother, who are childless and spouseless, are also very gullible and would not argue with a doctor's decision either.  I later found out that the quack had a restraining order against him about 10 years ago because he was stalking a woman at the hospital.  But I don't know if it was a nurse or a patient.  I wanted to get medical POA on both of my parents but they're "old school" and won't sign the form. It's a very difficult situation.

I've missed reading everyone's blogs this week.  I hope you are all doing well.

Thursday, March 11, 2010

Wham Bam Thank You Mam

I finally went to the OBGYN after much anxiety.  It wasn't all that I thought it would be.  First, it was fast. Very fast.  I suppose I'm used to the long drawn out wait at the RE office.  The appointments with the RE were always much more involve with discussion and protocol.

The nurse was very nice.  I had to tell them about my myomectomy and of my many IF procedures.  She was very sympathetic siting that she'd been through it with her sister and she knew that it was a difficult process.  I wanted to ask if her sister eventually had a child but I couldn't bring myself to speak the words.  How would I respond if the answer was "yes"? She began to tell me that she was a single mom with 3 children.  I started to feel bad for her and wondered if she was thinking that maybe I was the lucky one.  Then as she was wishing me luck regarding IF I made my carefully concocted statement, "Well I'm a teacher so I have all of the children I need." To that she said, "See, children come to us all sorts of ways." My eyes started to well up with water but I didn't want to have a break down.  I quickly added, "we have two dogs".  I don't even know why I said that.  I just needed to get myself out of the moment.  The moment where I start remembering that earlier in the day my closest co-worker (who knew about my IF struggles) told me that another co-worker (also a friend) wanted her to tell me that she was pregnant.  I was happy for her (still sad for me), but I felt bad that she didn't want to tell me because she thought it might hurt me.  It was very sweet of her.  I can't help but feel like I have the plague or that people might think that I'm a loose cannon that will go off somehow at the mere mention of the word "baby".  Perhaps I am.  I don't even know how I'm going to react anymore.  That's how I ended up mentioning the dogs.  It just comes out.  I could've just as easily said, "I like apples".   She smiled at me and left the room.  Enter: the doctor.

I'd never met this doctor before.  She was a little cold and kind of a know it all.  I also think I'm just too sensitive.  She told me that they were going to do blood work and I asked if I could have an FSH done.  She said,"Your FSH doesn't really tell us anything other than if your ovaries are still working." Then she said, "if it's for reasons of fertility I'll send you to a specialist." I said, "It is about fertility and I have been to a specialist.  I was thinking that if everything is okay maybe I'd try a few more IUIs."  She said,"At this point you're looking at IVF." I couldn't believe how she just dismissed every thing that I was requesting.  That's why I am so bothered that people in these positions hold all of the cards.  It never matters who's footing the bill.  I was also really annoyed because cost wasn't even a consideration.  "You're looking at IVF."  I should have said, "Well I can't afford IVF and I'd like to do a few IUIs to ease my mind and make me feel as though I've done all that I can.  Plus my insurance covers that or that wouldn't even be a consideration either." But I just don't have the nerve to pull myself together enough to say something like that.  I'm getting so much blood work done that I don't even know what's included. I assume that from her protest she does not have me down for an FSH count.  I feel like checking that box off myself.  What do you think would happen to me? Fraud charges, jail?  This sucks.

Here's what I'm scheduled for:

  • CBC
  • Lipid Panel
  • Complete Metabolic Panel
  • TSH Cascade
  • Phosphorus
  • HIV
Room Temp:
  • P.T. Mutation
  • ANA w/Reflex
  • P.T.T Activated
  • Fibrinogen
  • Factor V Leiden Mut.
  • Cardiolipin AB
  • Homocysteine
  • Anti-Thrombin III
  • Lupus Anticoagulant
  • Protein S Function (nonpregnant)
  • Protein S Antigen (pregnant)
  • Protein C Function

What the hell does any of this mean?  Is there an FSH count in there anywhere?  Has anyone ever checked off an extra box or two before? Help!

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Oh my God it's my birthday

It's my dreaded birthday.  I've become the big 42.  This is one of those moments that I was talking about where in another 5 yrs. I'm going to look back and say, "Wouldn't it be wonderful to be 42 again?"  Only, now that I'm in the moment I'm finding it very difficult to appreciate it.  42, that's another milestone where IF gets even more finalized.  I remember the RE telling me, "we want to try to get you pregnant by the time you are 41." That's here and gone.

Well what will be in store for me this year.  Last year it was fertility injections nearly every month until July.   That's when I finally realized that I was compromising my immune system too much.  It was taking me longer to recover from simple colds.  It all ended with my crazy illness in July after my 4th IVF.  Two weeks into my illness my hearing changed. Three courses of antibiotics and three courses of steroids could not get my hearing straightened out.  About 2 weeks ago I went back to the ENT for a check up.  Nothing has changed and he hasn't offered any new information.  My previous CT scan and MRI showed debris and swelling in my middle ear cleft left over from an infection.  I recently found out that there are ear specialist in addition to ENTs.  My next step is to find one and see if they can shed some light on the matter.

I'm also proud to announce that I've finally made an appointment with the OBGYN! Happy Birthday to me!  Tuesday is the big day.  I've been avoiding this for a while now.  I'm really not sure if I'm ready to find out if I have anymore fibroids or what my FSH is.  But I need to know.  If all is good then I think I'm going to try a couple more IUIs and see what happens.  Of course I will need a separate appointment for an ultrasound and blood work.  But at least I made the initial appointment!  I was kind of hoping they'd be booked for a few weeks, but no, there was an opening. So on Tues. at 4pm I'll be spread Eagle on the table.  Then they do the breast exam... that's always fun. I have a female doctor.  I've always wondered what would drive a man to become an OBGYN.  In this day and age I just don't feel comfortable getting an exam from a man.  But that's just one of my many hang ups!

Tonight I will be celebrating quietly with my DH, the pugs and some pizza.  Life is good sometimes.

Sunday, February 28, 2010

My H.S. Student Is Pregnant

One of my favorite students has been missing from class more frequently than usual.  I asked some of the others if they knew what was wrong. As it turns out she's pregnant.  She's due at the end of June. She's a  pretty girl... long blonde hair, athletic and a relatively intelligent 11th grader.  I feel awful for her, but it's not like she wasn't aware of the consequences.  I was even surprised that she was keeping it.  As it turns out she's living with her boyfriend (also a former student of mine) and her parents are apparently supportive of her decision.  Truthfully 20% of the students in each of my H.S. classes has a child.  Unbelievable but it's true.  Some have infants, some have toddlers and some have girlfriends currently expecting.  True, the school that I teach at has a very diverse population and many of the cultures are more excepting of this.  But they're still just kids themselves.  If we can't get the parents educated what chance is there for their children's education?  My student says she's going to continue through to graduation...but how? I asked one of my girls that has a 7 month old if she missed her daughter while she was at school.  She said, "Yes but I enjoy the time away too."  How sad.  For both of them.  She doesn't truly get to appreciate the gift she's been given, and her daughter doesn't get the benefit of being with her mother as much as she should be.  What is wrong with this picture?

It gets to be very surreal sometimes.  I can't help but thinking, "that should be me not her." Then it would be a joyous occasion all around.  The responsible adult that waited until she had a career and a house would be set to raise a child.  The H.S. student would have her whole life ahead of her.  She could finish high school on time and perhaps decide to continue onto college.  But things don't seem to go that smoothly.  It almost feels as if it's one or the other.  I can't even blame her knowing what I now know to be true.  If she does get the support that she needs, she'll have a child possibly graduating college by the time she's my age. Who knows, if she aborted this baby maybe she'll never get another chance.  I know she's young.  But then I'm old and infertile.  I wish I could turn back the clock but I can't.  She probably wishes for the same thing.  It's a sad mixed up world.

I've noticed that about every five or ten years I look back and realize the mistakes that I've made and how I would change things.  It's like that song, "I wish that I knew what I know now... when I was younger." I think it was a car commercial or something.  But how do you live in the moment and have the forethought to make decisions that you're not going to regret in the future.  If I keep spending time looking back I'm going to miss what I should be enjoying now and will be regretting it when I'm fifty.
I'm sorry for rambling.  The DH and I have been under the weather lately.

It snowed another twelve inches on Friday.  I thought I'd keep the falling snow on my blog because apparently we might be getting more in the coming week.  I've lost track of how many inches we've had this winter.  I think it's around forty!

I'm trying to keep up on reading all of your blogs.  It's not easy.  You guys are really great to talk to.

Friday, February 19, 2010

Mother to no one

I love following the winter olympics and Canada looks so beautiful. But the commercials are really starting to tick me off.  Particularly the P & G commercials.  There's one where they show all of the kids competing in the olympics.  Then they cut to a middle aged mom in the stands and they flash the words, "To their moms they'll always be kids." Then, "P & G proud sponsor of moms." Everybody loves moms.  Moms, moms, moms, enough already.  Why doesn't P & G care about me?  Who will step up and be the proud sponsor of the IF woman? Wouldn't that be a hoot! I can see it now, "Ferring Pharmaceutical proud sponsor of infertiles everywhere!"

The IF woman is forgotten by most everyone.  Many can be sympathetic in the beginning, but if you start to bring up the subject too many times they eventually turn on you.  A coworker recently confided in me that she is suffering from POF.  She is only 32.  I felt so bad for her.  Her FSH is over 100 and she's been to a doctor in NY that said that they can't do anything for her.  She's taking it really hard.  She's not married and never saw it coming.  The doctors told her that she can use donor eggs but it's too soon for her to think about that.  Her family was very supportive at first.  Then when her relatives began shoving babies at her during holiday gatherings and she wasn't in the mood they told her to, "get over it." This is nothing new. People are not sympathetic to the plight of the IF woman.

My own DH has even made questionable statements at times. The freshest one that comes to mind occurred on the day that my SIL gave birth for the second time.  AF had just arrived after my 4th failed IVF. I was crying and DH said, "It's not my sister's fault that you can't get pregnant." Those words will live in infamy.  Right along side the, "you're not really family" declaration during an argument over why he did not call the church after they refused to recognize him as a Catholic so that we could be godparents to my SIL's first born 4 1/2yrs. ago. I get why he did not want to call and argue that we were married there and that he went to school there for 13yrs.  It was all about the money. They hadn't seen our envelopes so they no longer considered him a Catholic.  They probably would've had we offered to turn in a few envelopes.  I gladly would've but he was "pissed." This was before we'd started ttc.  I wanted to ttc but DH had been injured in an accident and the time was not right.  I desperately wanted to be a godparent.  I was not raised Catholic so I had no say in the matter.  My mother was Catholic and my father was Baptist.  I was able to get married in a Catholic church because when I was an infant my mother sneaked me into the Catholic church and had me baptized.  I didn't even know that I had godparents until I was about 15. When DH's sister asked us I was so honored.  It would be the only opportunity that I'd ever have to be a godparent. DH only has one sibling and mine are not Catholic. As it turns out, DH became the godfather and SIL's friend was the godmother.  Since her friend was Catholic she "sponsored" my husband.  I became the photographer for the for the day. Snapshot after snapshot of everyone holding the baby.  At the end of the day there was not one photo of me holding that child.  I thought for sure SIL would ask me and DH to pose for a shot with the baby since we were the "preferred" godparents.  I was wrong.  No one cared.  Only me.  When I mentioned it to DH after arriving home that evening it turned into a big fight.  It had to.  I could no longer contain myself.  I blamed him for screwing things up with the church and he let me have it with the, "you're not really family anyway" line.  Words do hurt and I will never forget that.  He has since apologized and even tries to convince me that he'd never said it, but it'll always be there.  I would've been such a good godmother. At least I would've had the word "mother" in a title not associated with furry children.  I would've pampered her. We had already spent hundreds on the kid and she was only an infant.  Since that time my relationship with SIL and her children has lost it's momentum.  SIL doesn't really have a clue. And after unsuccessfully ttc I realize now that being a godmother was the only opportunity that I was going to get to be the "mother" of someone.  I can't help but question if I will ever be considered "family" to DH if we don't have a child.  There will be nothing that forever ties us together.  His aunt and uncle split up 4 yrs. ago after 34 yrs. of marriage.  They never had children.  My husband and his uncle "in-law" were very close.  Since the divorce it's as if his uncle never existed.  I don't want that to be me but I can't help but think that if we divorce there will be no one around who cares.  No one will miss me.  It sounds selfish but it's the way I'm feeling right now.  Like the lonely old lady in the nursing home that no one visits.  And it will probably be a county nursing home because all of my money went towards my DH's current college education.

Wednesday, February 10, 2010

Snow Again! Damn That Groundhog!

This just has to stop.  Had off today because we're getting hammered with snow.  It started last night and has not stopped.  At this moment we have over a foot!  I'm trying to dig paths for the pugs who are completely confused.  Particularly the blind one.  All the major highways and businesses are closed.  Well that will leave me plenty of time to post my sob story that I've been wanting to write. To be continued....

Sunday, February 7, 2010

Superbowl Sunday!

Okay, I'm not a big football fan, but I am a big Who fan.  In case you're not aware...The Who will be playing at half time!  I'm quite the obsessed fan.  I've seen them several times in the past few years when they've toured.  Fortunately my DH shares my enthusiasm.  In his defense he likes the Stones better.  Last November I got to meet Roger Daltrey! No, not because I'm special.  He was touring alone for a few months and had some meet and greet packages.  Very expensive but well worth it!  My husband knows how obsessed I am and purchased tickets for a second event.  At the time I could've killed him because of the expense.  I'm very frugal.  Fortunately he's not.  I met him twice!!! I know what you're thinking, that I'm a nut.  Well, I am.  And, yes, he is a senior citizen (Ha, ha), but wholly crap!  He's in better shape than me and my husband!  I am soOO in love with this man!

I've included some photos for my enjoyment:

If I weren't barren I would have his baby (even though I think he has six and has been married for 39yrs)!

Go New Orleans!  I'm not really a fan but they've been through so much. Have a great day ladies!

Saturday, February 6, 2010

Snowbound Saturday!

So we got hit with 8 inches of snow last night.  Depending on where you live, 8 inches really isn't that bad.  Mornings like these are nice because there is no pressure to go anywhere.  Just a lot of shoveling.  Treated the DH and the pugs to a big breakfast of organic eggs, organic bacon and freshly ground and brewed Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee.  Yum!  The pugs didn't like the coffee too much (Ha, ha!). We really don't get the opportunity to eat like that often because it takes an enormous amount of time.  If anyone is ever in the market to purchase a new coffee maker I suggest the Cuisinart Grind and Brew.  Get the newer version, the updates are well worth the price.  Having freshly ground coffee without the mess of having to get out the small grinder is a dream!  Just put the beans in and select how many cups you want to brew and presto!  It measures everything out for you. And let me tell you ladies, freshly brewed decaf is just as good as regular!

Off to a long day of cleaning, shoveling and laundry.  Enjoy your day everyone and stay warm!

Tuesday, February 2, 2010

Happy Groundhog Day Everyone!

Six more weeks of winter!  Like we couldn't see that one coming! Groundhog day was always well publicized in grade school around here. The same thing goes for Faschnauts Day. The students at my school are mildly familiar with Groundhog Day. I've made it my duty today to make sure that they all leave my class knowing its history. Go Punxsutawney Phil! By the way, if you've never seen the movie "Groundhog Day," it was hysterical. To relive the same day over and over again...not for me!  But I guess there are some days that were truly wonderful that I would be fine reliving.  Here are a few:
  • Christmas Eve with my nannie. Dean Martin on the record player, the smell of fried shrimp, baccala, and spaghetti and nuts cooking.
  • Any random conversation with my dad. He can talk for hours.
  • Bringing home my first dog Max. That's Max on the right.
  • Finding out that I got my teaching position.  
  • Looking into my husbands eyes and knowing for the first time that I was in love with him.
  • My wedding day.  It was magical and I'll never forget it.
  • Flying into Maui for our honeymoon without getting airsick. The 11 hrs. went by in a snap.
  • Opening the door of our new house after apartment living for 9 years.
  • The first time that I danced with a guy that I really liked.
  • My first long kiss.
  • The first and only apple that I ever received from one of my students. It was this year.  I had to look away because I was tearing up.
  • The first time that I saw a Bison. And a day shortly after that we'd seen a heard of Bison crossing the water in front of us.  We were in Yellowstone and traffic stopped to let them all cross. It was a sight to behold.
  • The beautiful day that I'd spent in Koln Germany with my first serious boyfriend. Dated him for 8 1/2 years.
  • The day that my DH (then boyfriend) visited me at my apartment in college and brought me a 12 pack of toilet paper.  I had very little money and was living off of student loans at the time. Very depressed and living alone. I was taken by complete surprise when he showed up and stayed the night. 
Those are all that come to mind at the moment.  What about you?

Sunday, January 31, 2010

Chilly Sundays

It has been ridiculously cold. Yesterday we went to Phila. to see the car show. I know, it doesn't seem too exciting, but it actually wasn't to bad. We even got to meet Vince Papale. So you're wondering who the hell he is. There was a movie out in 2006 starring Mark Wahlberg called "Invincible". It was about Vince Papale. Very neat. It's not the kind of movie that I would've watched without the persuasion of DH. But it was really pretty good.

Not a whole lot to update on, just trying to get caught up with everything that I've been neglecting lately (housework, grocery shopping, me). I think I'm going to get a cup of nice hot cocoa while I catch up on other blogs!

Friday, January 29, 2010


Thank you guys for your kind words.  Also, if anyone is reading this please take a moment and stop by She just received a BFN on her last IVF and I think she could really use some words of encouragement.

Speaking of BFN.  I wanted to give some insight on how I named this blog.  It was definitely a combination of repressed anger and Progesterone tablets.  Again, it was after my last IVF.  I was so sick.
The doctor had called that evening with my BFN.  I was in bed that night and the DH and I were in some kind of disagreement.  Most likely him not understanding why I'd become so emotional over the fact that I'd received a BFN. At some point I began sobbing very loudly and then the screaming started. I guess I was a bit irrational.  That Progesterone can really kick my a**.  DH came over to console me as much as he could without a uterus (Can a man ever truly understand?). And then it came to me.  That same kind of unstable out of control rage that often is associated with a woman who has been wronged in some way.  And there you have it, the title of this blog.  So much anger, so much anger... But don't forget, I was also very sick. Not only did I have a fever, I also lost some of my hearing in my left ear.  I do not know what I contracted.  I strongly believe that I got it during my retrieval. Was is the Swine flu?  Who knows?  I ended up going through three courses of antibiotics and 2 courses of steroids over the following two months.  My hearing has never been resolved.  It sounds like I'm listening through a tunnel.  It has also amplified my vertigo.  Twice in the past several months I've had to put one of those patches behind my ear to help reduce any dizziness.  It usually lasts for 3 days.  If anyone out there ever gets motion sick, the patches are wonderful.   I did go to an Ear Nose and Throat specialist eventually.  After a CAT scan and an MRI I was diagnosed with "swelling and debrie in my middle ear cleft," caused from an infection.  The doctor wanted me to wait a couple of months to see if it would hopefully clear up.  It hasn't.  I go back in two weeks.

Saturday, January 16, 2010

Ignorance Is Bliss

Kind of depressed right now.  I have "The Incredibles"on the TV.  I've never watched it till the end.  The last time I remember seeing it I was in the hospital recovering from a myomectomy.  In two weeks that will be exactly two years ago.  I had so much hope at that point.  I thought that there was no way the IVFs wouldn't work after the fibroid was removed.  I guess I was wrong.

I remember exactly where I was when it all came crashing down.  It was right after my first IVF.  I was standing in a kitchen gadget store when I received the call on my cell phone that my pregnancy test was negative.  I quickly left the store and started to cry.  Even my husband was in shock.  We transfered three embryos.  I told DH that it didn't work and he said, "None of them?"  Little did I know of the pain the next year would bring.

I've been meaning to make an OBGYN appointment soon.  I've put anything involving getting probed "down there" off.  Sometimes it's just too painful to deal with.  Will I have more fibroids? Will my FSH be through the roof?  Ignorance is bliss.  At least for a little while anyway.

Friday, January 15, 2010


My MIL once said several years back that people who don't have children are selfish.  At this point in time I don't think that I am likely to ever forget that.  The thing is she's wonderful.  Giving, caring, sincere.  I guess I just feel that if she felt that way when viewing couples without kids, I'm sure that a large majority must feel the same way.  Hell, I've even wondered why people don't have children and  I feel that I am now "in the know".  This is really disheartening.

Thanks for the comments new followers and anyone else taking the time to read!

Wednesday, January 13, 2010

Marriage Takes Work!

So things are much better today.  Honestly if DH didn't make the initiative, I think it might be days before we speak!  I do apologize at times, but I will admit that I often feel our fights are mostly his fault.  I'm sure he would probably say the same thing.  I'm the type of person that tries to stay cool and rational during a crisis.  He on the other hand tends to have a "freak out." An example of this occurred about 5 years ago.

It was 9pm the evening before we were leaving for vacation.  I walked into the bedroom (pugs were on bed) and I began to notice that Zuzu's face seemed rounder than usual.  She also looked tired.  Upon further inspection I discovered lumps on her legs and inner thighs.  She was obviously having some sort of allergic reaction to something.  Not surprisingly DH began immediately accusing myself and my family (we had visited them that evening) of giving her something that did not agree with her. WHAT?!  When all was said and done we took her to the Vet. hospial 30mi. away (it was a long night) where it was determined that it was from a spider or insect bite.  She was fixed up and all was fine.  The point of this story was to illustrate:

  1. It was not my fault.
  2. Who cares if it was, our dog needed immediate help.
  3. Did we really need to argue for the entire drive to the hospital?
  4. Other than frightening the dog what was accomplished from all of the arguing and blame?
It leads me to believe that perhaps it is not by accident that we cannot have children.  Maybe a higher being knows that we would suck as parents.  Well, he would anyway.  Maybe we've been alone for so long that we're unaware of how selfish we've become.  I don't feel selfish.  If I were, wouldn't I stop doing all of the house work and let him live in his own filth?  Stop hang up his clothes, keeping the windows and shower clean, bathing the dogs, working hard so he can finish his degree.  I don't know.  I would probably eventually cave like I always do because I'm really the one that can't stand the mess. I'm the one who truly cares about these things.  But how thick would the soap scum on the tub have to get before he couldn't stand it? Or the urine stains on the toilet under the seat?  Or the splattered food inside of the microwave? Isn't that unsanitary?!  He's had wiskers in the sink of our downstair bathroom that I've pretended to ignore for the past 3 days.  Lots of them.  All around the bowl!  What should I do?  How long will they stay?!  What if I die and when the families come over to pay their respects they need to use that bathroom and they think to themselves, "She was a pig!"  YES!  That is it!  It is automatically blamed on the woman of the house if things are not spotless (or at least clean).  Because I am a woman I bare the burden of the way our house looks.  No one blames the man of the house.  This sucks!  And I'm away from the house at least 50hrs. a week for work.  I've got to clean the sink when I get home.

Tuesday, January 12, 2010


Yes, we're (DH and I) arguing.  About everything and nothing.  Sometimes I feel that I am East and he is West. Referring of course to the quote by Rudyard Kipling, "Oh, East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet." How did I marry this man?  Who picked him?  Has he even met me?

We are coming off of a year of intense ttc.  Did I mention that I also have unlimited IUI's on my insurance.  Running to the appointments after work, DH acting like it was a big surprise when he needed to do his part.  None of it ever seems to come at a convenient time. When they told me that I had unlimited IUI's, I thought, "Great!"  But I've found that payment isn't really the most difficult part.  It's the participation.  Sure, I was willing to give myself the shots, but DH wasn't always willing to do his part.  We talked about how humiliating it was to go into the office to give a sample.  Several times I even dropped it off if I could.  It's a  tremendous amount of pressure to do it all in a timely fashion.  Once I recall having to wake him up on a Sat. at about 7am to give me a sample.  That was fun.   And you have to get it.  People are waiting at the office for you.  The pressure!  Not to mention that if you don't get it, your weeks of shots were all in vain.  Oh the stress.  It was hard for him.

 I still have to believe that it was hardest for me (and all IFs).  I don't think he got or gets that.  Does any man really?  Can they?  They do grieve and cope in their own way.  If they ever dump us they have eternity to try with someone else.  But we have a time bomb/limit. An expiration date if you will. There is an obsessive urgency that takes over our minds.  I remember how frantic I was.  Scared.  What will I ever do without children?

Now that we haven't "formally" ttc in recent months, I look back and I'm fearful of going through that again.  I feel that if we don't use DE any other procedure is pointless.  I don't even know if I'd go back to the same place.  I'm almost embarrassed. Perhaps ashamed.  Is that stupid?  I guess I feel like a failure.  They'll look at me and say, "She's still trying?"  I told the nurse that we probably would be taking a break for a couple of months after the last IVF.  I wanted to get some of the drugs out of my system.  I wanted to try to loose weight.  I joined WW online and I did loose 25lbs. Yeh!  I could really stand to loose another 25lbs.  I once asked the doc how long people will normally continue to try.  She said about a year before they move on to something else.  She also used to say that it is possible to live a happy life without children.  How would she know, she has three.  I'm also afraid that another clinic would turn me away because of my age (41 till March).

Did I mention I'll be ovulating this weekend? So many things to consider.  How am I supposed to have sex with the man who is getting on my nerves?! I wonder if Roger Daltrey is available, he's fathered many children.  Even at his advanced age I still love him!


Sunday, January 10, 2010

Sunday Evening Chit Chat

I wanted to talk about health insurance.  Most times it seems to cover too little, cost too much, and is a big big hassle.  I do happen to have very good insurance but I think that it will be changing in about a year.  But one of the readers mentioned that they were envious that mine included 4 IVF's.  I am very fortunate.  It didn't really change my circumstances but it did at least put my mind at ease to know that I'm pretty much screwed. 

I mention all of this because since I discovered that I was infertile I was very afraid that I would not have any IVF coverage and I would never know if IVF would've worked for me or not.  My heart goes out to the many of you who do not have the means or the coverage to allow you to try IVF.  That is a whole other Mind F*** all together.  I'm not trying to make anyone feel even worse about their situation, but no one ever seems to talk about it.  What I've learned from reading other blogs is that there are a lot of wealthy or possibly very in debt people out there.  We live in America.  IF seems as if it is an epidemic that no one outside of the blog world is acknowledging.   It is a sin that insurance does not at least cover one IVF procedure.  Every woman needs to know that she has the option to try every thing she needs to to put her weary mind at ease.  I often thing that after I've come to terms with my situation and all of my drama is over, I need to start contacting my congressmen/women and get some petitions started on behalf of women's fertility rights.  If this were happening to a man I would not be surprised if there were at least some sort of minimal coverage.  I once read that going through IF is one of the most stressful things a woman can go through.  Depression rates of IF women mirror those of women with depression and heart disease. How do we not have coverage? For IF women, having children becomes a privilege not a choice.  Can you or can't you afford the procedures?  Are you willing to mortgage your future?  It's so wrong.  During one of my visits to the clinic I asked the nurse how people are possibly paying for all of these treatments during a recession.  She told me that business had not slowed and believed that many parents were contributing towards their child's procedures.  So I've started an unofficial poll.  Feel free to weigh in!

Saturday, January 9, 2010

Good Saturday Morning...Brrr!

Holy cow it's cold!  My outdoor thermometer says it's 19 degrees!  I'm warming up a bit with a nice cup of Nutcraker Sweet tea and a vanilla muffin from Wegmans. Yum! I guess the holidays are not over for me yet!

This is the pug that woke me up at 7:30 this morning.  This is Zuzu. She had a stomach ache.  In case you're wondering, we did get her name from the movie "It's A Wonderful Life."  It's one of my favorites.  And so is she.  Some background.  Zuzu is 9 1/2 yrs. old.  She's blind in her right eye and almost blind in her left eye, but cataracts seem to be stealing that vision too.  Operating will be a last resort because she also has pigmentary keratitis and the docs don't know if they will be able to operate effectively.  For now, she gets around fine for the most part.  She is my angel.  We almost considered giving her back when we learned that she would need $80 worth of cream in her eyes per month plus biannual visits to an Opthamologist 70mi away for the rest of her life.  I didn't think we could afford her.  I had a crappy job at the time just to pay the bills and had given up searching for a teaching position after 4 yrs. (It's EXTREMELY political where I live... you really have to know someone or pay someone).  On a fluke my husband encouraged me to apply in our neighboring state of NJ several months after deciding to keep the pug.  I did and BAM!  Not only did I get several interviews that summer... I also landed a job!  We always believed that we were rewarded for keeping Zuzu.  Of course, that was the year of the 911 attacks.  I was one week on the job and about 35mi outside of NYC.  My family and friends in PA were being sent home from work.  Not us.  We were instructed to stay the whole day.  One teacher's fiance' was in one of the towers and family members of many of our children and collegues worked near the towers.  It was a frightening day for a new teacher.  They should have sent us home.  I will never forget that day.

So AF came earlier this week and we're going to try naturally again.  However, recently I only have one good day of mucus.  It's now time to search Amazon for the cheapest price on Pre-Seed Personal Lub.  The doctor told me it was a "safe" one to use.  Won't kill off the good guys.  Still, I get a little paranoid that they'll all kill any chance of the little ones making their journey.  Anyone had any success with any of these "safe" assisting lubs. to use?  I am aware that I am speaking to an audience of women having difficulty getting pregnant, but seriously, I'm hoping that someone will have some insight.  Mind you, the last time we tried without lub. my husband said that I felt like a rubber chicken.  He said that and yet I still love him.  If I'm "in the mood" I'm good to go.  But lets face it, when your ttc it becomes a chore.  Help!

Friday, January 8, 2010

I'm a little behind the times.  We just watched Julie & Julia.  Meryl Streep was excellent!  She really nailed that part.  What I did learn was that Julia Child could not have children.  I did not know this.  Of course I cried when my husband pointed out the scene where in front of Notre Dame they pass a woman with a stroller and Julia notices with envy.  How could I have not seen that coming?  What a strong woman she must have been.  At that time it did not seem to be the norm.  Everyone was a housewife taking care of the children.  Fortunately they were rich!  I mean, it's got to take the edge off living in Paris don't you think?

I chuckled when Julie started her blog.  My husband is clueless.  And that's the way it needs to be...

Clinics, Clinics, Clinics!

There is such a whirlwind of emotions out there in the IF blog world! Deaths, BFN's, miscarriages, injuries, etc. What are these doctors doing to us?! We pay through the nose for all of these procedures and still they overlook things that should be fundamental.

Just for the sake of getting some info. out to anyone listening, after my last IUI the nurse asked me if I wanted to come back in a couple of days after the insemination to see how many eggs were release. Hello, what?! Never had they asked me that before. I didn't even know what the nurse was talking about. My immediate concern was that the wand would swish away any embryo that might have a chance. In the end my curiosity got the best of me and I thought I'd sacrifice that cycle for the sake of information. I guess I'm stupid but I assumed that when you took the shot to release the eggs... naturally every egg was released. Big or small. Not so apparently. Only two were released, the others were undersized and get absorbed into the body. Oh. After learning this, I began to question all of my previous IVF's. It's difficult to question the doctor about previous cycles because they tend to take the attitude that you're questioning their motives and methods. And you are. But I sucked it up and asked. I tried to review my chart as the doc flipped the pages. I know that for at least one of my IVF cycles I only had 1 or 2 eggs that were of a decent size. And despite MY pleas to not do an IVF, we did it anyway at the doctors urging. In fact, for one of the those cycles (and I cannot say which one for sure) only 1 or 2 eggs fertilized. What do you know about that?! Now, I'm not saying that the doctor's only motives were to collect a paycheck. But who knows. They knew that my insurance covered 4 IVF's. My doc was a woman and seemed sincere. She did a wonderful job with my myomectomy. She was a workaholic. Even came in on weekends and holidays. Divorced, children going to med. school/ law school, blah blah blah. I just don't know. It would be like her to worry that I was running out of time. She always stressed that we needed to be aggressive because of my age. It's really difficult to say. But what isn't difficult to say is that knowing about the size issue of my eggs and how my body naturally did not select to release the eggs that were smaller... I would've nixed at least one of my IVF's.

Just thought I put that out there.

Wednesday, January 6, 2010

Happy New Year! Now pass the eggs!

Thank you Sky for the heartfelt comments, really appreciated it!

Well, I made it through the holidays and I'm still alive. I even managed to sit on the floor with my SIL's daughter and help her stick the decals on the Barbie house we bought her (without crying). Pathetic, I know. But I consider that a major achievement for me. By the time they came over for New Year's day I was an old ham. I showed off by bouncing the 6mo. old on my knee for a while!

It's amazing how fast the holidays fly by. It seems like I had only just put up our tree (probably because I only decorated it on Christmas Eve) and now it's coming down.

So I've found some new blogs regarding DE's and how people have dealt with and are dealing with it all. Some of the things I've read are ALMOST shocking. I stress "almost" because in light of the things that go on in this world, I guess I can believe just about anything. One person said that DE's were against their religion and it was punishable by DEATH! WTF! That's nice! So of course that person will take that secret to their grave (No pun intended)! Most of the comments were positive. Many who had gone through the process and were open with friends and relatives found that everyone eventually had forgotten. That would truly be a blessing. I'm starting to feel that keeping it all a secret might make you feel like you've done something wrong. And nothing good can come out of that. The idea of a secret is to hide something that you're not proud of. Things we are proud of we usually want to tell. And let's face it, we IFs have been through hell ttc. If we let people know of the pain and struggles that we've been through, hopefully they will understand how wanted and loved this child will be, right? Granted there are some insensitive jerks out there, but we can learn from them too. We can learn how important it is to not judge others too harshly when we disagree with them. You don't know what they've been through. Just a thought.