Thursday, December 24, 2009

Christmas Eve

This is a day when all should be wonderful. Then why do I feel so blue? Let me count the ways...

1. I'm not pregnant.
2. My chances of getting pregnant are slipping away.
3. I'm feeling very alone.
4. My mom has been sick for months.
5. I'm going to be forced to sit at my SIL's house tomorrow and make nice nice with their 4yr. old and 6mo. old.
6. My husband has been very short with me because he doesn't understand why I'm blue.
7. I recently ovulated and we didn't have sex.
8. Finances are getting a little tight.
9. I have no one to talk to about this kind of thing.

Thank you for listening.

Wednesday, December 16, 2009

Bethenny Frankel Is Pregnant?

So I was home sick yesterday and what comes across the TV, Bethenny Frankel from The Real Housewives of NYC is pregnant. I can't believe it. She's 39. I can't believe it. Did she even try?? How do these people get so lucky? I don't even think she's been dating the guy for a year yet. Not fair Not fair Not fair! Then I just read that Padma from Top Chef is also expecting her first at age 39! Come on! How does this affect me directly you ask? I was one of the many suckers that believed pregnancy at an advanced age was not an issue. My mother had no problems, why should I? There's Halle Berry, Marcia Cross, Salma Hayek and the list goes on! How many of them actually admit to DE's or IVF? Not that many. In fact, I can't think of any star that has ever admitted to DE's. A public figure also needs to stress that these are very costly processes and the average couple might not be able to afford such procedures. Did Marcia Cross use DE's? We'll never know. It's none of our business. It's a very touchy issue. How would it affect her children if word got out? These are the questions I pose to myself about my own situation. I'd like to use DE's (aside from the expense), but what would I say to the child and what would I say to my family? If nothing is said, would I feel like I was living a lie? How receptive is the older generation to that kind of news? The current generation has trouble digesting it. So many people don't see IF as a problem. There is this misconception that you just have an IVF procedure and you have a child. Everyone neglects to mention how low the statistics are at this age. It's very depressing. I wish I could go back in time and change things. Doesn't everyone in this situation? Despite my indifference towards DE's, I've kept it in the back of my mind as a last resort. The only problem with that is, what if that doesn't work? I've read several blogs now where DE's have not been working. What is this world coming to? Haven't we IF's suffered enough?

Friday, November 6, 2009


Welcome! It's taken me a long time to begin this blog. There was so much that I wanted to get off of my chest that I didn't know where I was going to start. I've decided that I will take baby steps (no pun intended) and post the frustrating areas of my life little by little.
Basically my DH and I have been together for over 17yrs. We'd begun ttc about 3yrs. ago when I was 38. That was when I found out that I had a very large (size of a grapefruit) fibroid on top of my uterus. It took 4 months to shrink it then I had a myomectomy. My doctor did not want us to try for 3 months so that I would heal. Others had later told me that I should have tried before potential scarring set in. Too late. We then went on to 4 unsuccessful IVFs and and about 5 unsuccessful IUIs. With each procedure my hopes of conceiving were diminishing. I feel fortunate in that my insurance had covered all of my procedures. However, I have reached the limit of IVFs that I am allowed to have. Paying for it on our own is just not an option right now. I am the soul provider in the house because my husband has gone back to school to finish his degree.
My last IVF was in July 09'. What a disaster. I truly believe that I caught something during my retrieval. I was fine before that. About 48 hrs after my retrieval I came down with a 102 temp. I rarely have fevers. My doctor thought that it might be from allergies and encouraged me to put the eggs in. Of course I became sicker and sicker and received a BFN. I ended up spending most of the summer sick and was on 3 courses of antibiotics and 3 weeks of steroids. Fortunately for me I am a teacher and was off for the summer. I don't really know what I would've done had things been different. Life sucks. Welcome to my hell.