Tuesday, January 12, 2010


Yes, we're (DH and I) arguing.  About everything and nothing.  Sometimes I feel that I am East and he is West. Referring of course to the quote by Rudyard Kipling, "Oh, East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet." How did I marry this man?  Who picked him?  Has he even met me?

We are coming off of a year of intense ttc.  Did I mention that I also have unlimited IUI's on my insurance.  Running to the appointments after work, DH acting like it was a big surprise when he needed to do his part.  None of it ever seems to come at a convenient time. When they told me that I had unlimited IUI's, I thought, "Great!"  But I've found that payment isn't really the most difficult part.  It's the participation.  Sure, I was willing to give myself the shots, but DH wasn't always willing to do his part.  We talked about how humiliating it was to go into the office to give a sample.  Several times I even dropped it off if I could.  It's a  tremendous amount of pressure to do it all in a timely fashion.  Once I recall having to wake him up on a Sat. at about 7am to give me a sample.  That was fun.   And you have to get it.  People are waiting at the office for you.  The pressure!  Not to mention that if you don't get it, your weeks of shots were all in vain.  Oh the stress.  It was hard for him.

 I still have to believe that it was hardest for me (and all IFs).  I don't think he got or gets that.  Does any man really?  Can they?  They do grieve and cope in their own way.  If they ever dump us they have eternity to try with someone else.  But we have a time bomb/limit. An expiration date if you will. There is an obsessive urgency that takes over our minds.  I remember how frantic I was.  Scared.  What will I ever do without children?

Now that we haven't "formally" ttc in recent months, I look back and I'm fearful of going through that again.  I feel that if we don't use DE any other procedure is pointless.  I don't even know if I'd go back to the same place.  I'm almost embarrassed. Perhaps ashamed.  Is that stupid?  I guess I feel like a failure.  They'll look at me and say, "She's still trying?"  I told the nurse that we probably would be taking a break for a couple of months after the last IVF.  I wanted to get some of the drugs out of my system.  I wanted to try to loose weight.  I joined WW online and I did loose 25lbs. Yeh!  I could really stand to loose another 25lbs.  I once asked the doc how long people will normally continue to try.  She said about a year before they move on to something else.  She also used to say that it is possible to live a happy life without children.  How would she know, she has three.  I'm also afraid that another clinic would turn me away because of my age (41 till March).

Did I mention I'll be ovulating this weekend? So many things to consider.  How am I supposed to have sex with the man who is getting on my nerves?! I wonder if Roger Daltrey is available, he's fathered many children.  Even at his advanced age I still love him!


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