Chilly Sundays

It has been ridiculously cold. Yesterday we went to Phila. to see the car show. I know, it doesn't seem too exciting, but it actually wasn't to bad. We even got to meet Vince Papale. So you're wondering who the hell he is. There was a movie out in 2006 starring Mark Wahlberg called "Invincible". It was about Vince Papale. Very neat. It's not the kind of movie that I would've watched without the persuasion of DH. But it was really pretty good.

Not a whole lot to update on, just trying to get caught up with everything that I've been neglecting lately (housework, grocery shopping, me). I think I'm going to get a cup of nice hot cocoa while I catch up on other blogs!

BFNs

Thank you guys for your kind words.  Also, if anyone is reading this please take a moment and stop by ttcnslc.wordpress.com. She just received a BFN on her last IVF and I think she could really use some words of encouragement.

Speaking of BFN.  I wanted to give some insight on how I named this blog.  It was definitely a combination of repressed anger and Progesterone tablets.  Again, it was after my last IVF.  I was so sick.
The doctor had called that evening with my BFN.  I was in bed that night and the DH and I were in some kind of disagreement.  Most likely him not understanding why I'd become so emotional over the fact that I'd received a BFN. At some point I began sobbing very loudly and then the screaming started. I guess I was a bit irrational.  That Progesterone can really kick my a**.  DH came over to console me as much as he could without a uterus (Can a man ever truly understand?). And then it came to me.  That same kind of unstable out of control rage that often is associated with a woman who has been wronged in some way.  And there you have it, the title of this blog.  So much anger, so much anger... But don't forget, I was also very sick. Not only did I have a fever, I also lost some of my hearing in my left ear.  I do not know what I contracted.  I strongly believe that I got it during my retrieval. Was is the Swine flu?  Who knows?  I ended up going through three courses of antibiotics and 2 courses of steroids over the following two months.  My hearing has never been resolved.  It sounds like I'm listening through a tunnel.  It has also amplified my vertigo.  Twice in the past several months I've had to put one of those patches behind my ear to help reduce any dizziness.  It usually lasts for 3 days.  If anyone out there ever gets motion sick, the patches are wonderful.   I did go to an Ear Nose and Throat specialist eventually.  After a CAT scan and an MRI I was diagnosed with "swelling and debrie in my middle ear cleft," caused from an infection.  The doctor wanted me to wait a couple of months to see if it would hopefully clear up.  It hasn't.  I go back in two weeks.

Ignorance Is Bliss

Kind of depressed right now.  I have "The Incredibles"on the TV.  I've never watched it till the end.  The last time I remember seeing it I was in the hospital recovering from a myomectomy.  In two weeks that will be exactly two years ago.  I had so much hope at that point.  I thought that there was no way the IVFs wouldn't work after the fibroid was removed.  I guess I was wrong.

I remember exactly where I was when it all came crashing down.  It was right after my first IVF.  I was standing in a kitchen gadget store when I received the call on my cell phone that my pregnancy test was negative.  I quickly left the store and started to cry.  Even my husband was in shock.  We transfered three embryos.  I told DH that it didn't work and he said, "None of them?"  Little did I know of the pain the next year would bring.

I've been meaning to make an OBGYN appointment soon.  I've put anything involving getting probed "down there" off.  Sometimes it's just too painful to deal with.  Will I have more fibroids? Will my FSH be through the roof?  Ignorance is bliss.  At least for a little while anyway.

MILs

My MIL once said several years back that people who don't have children are selfish.  At this point in time I don't think that I am likely to ever forget that.  The thing is she's wonderful.  Giving, caring, sincere.  I guess I just feel that if she felt that way when viewing couples without kids, I'm sure that a large majority must feel the same way.  Hell, I've even wondered why people don't have children and  I feel that I am now "in the know".  This is really disheartening.

Thanks for the comments new followers and anyone else taking the time to read!

Marriage Takes Work!

So things are much better today.  Honestly if DH didn't make the initiative, I think it might be days before we speak!  I do apologize at times, but I will admit that I often feel our fights are mostly his fault.  I'm sure he would probably say the same thing.  I'm the type of person that tries to stay cool and rational during a crisis.  He on the other hand tends to have a "freak out." An example of this occurred about 5 years ago.

It was 9pm the evening before we were leaving for vacation.  I walked into the bedroom (pugs were on bed) and I began to notice that Zuzu's face seemed rounder than usual.  She also looked tired.  Upon further inspection I discovered lumps on her legs and inner thighs.  She was obviously having some sort of allergic reaction to something.  Not surprisingly DH began immediately accusing myself and my family (we had visited them that evening) of giving her something that did not agree with her. WHAT?!  When all was said and done we took her to the Vet. hospial 30mi. away (it was a long night) where it was determined that it was from a spider or insect bite.  She was fixed up and all was fine.  The point of this story was to illustrate:

1. It was not my fault.
2. Who cares if it was, our dog needed immediate help.
3. Did we really need to argue for the entire drive to the hospital?
4. Other than frightening the dog what was accomplished from all of the arguing and blame?

It leads me to believe that perhaps it is not by accident that we cannot have children.  Maybe a higher being knows that we would suck as parents.  Well, he would anyway.  Maybe we've been alone for so long that we're unaware of how selfish we've become.  I don't feel selfish.  If I were, wouldn't I stop doing all of the house work and let him live in his own filth?  Stop hang up his clothes, keeping the windows and shower clean, bathing the dogs, working hard so he can finish his degree.  I don't know.  I would probably eventually cave like I always do because I'm really the one that can't stand the mess. I'm the one who truly cares about these things.  But how thick would the soap scum on the tub have to get before he couldn't stand it? Or the urine stains on the toilet under the seat?  Or the splattered food inside of the microwave? Isn't that unsanitary?!  He's had wiskers in the sink of our downstair bathroom that I've pretended to ignore for the past 3 days.  Lots of them.  All around the bowl!  What should I do?  How long will they stay?!  What if I die and when the families come over to pay their respects they need to use that bathroom and they think to themselves, "She was a pig!"  YES!  That is it!  It is automatically blamed on the woman of the house if things are not spotless (or at least clean).  Because I am a woman I bare the burden of the way our house looks.  No one blames the man of the house.  This sucks!  And I'm away from the house at least 50hrs. a week for work.  I've got to clean the sink when I get home.

Arguing!

Yes, we're (DH and I) arguing.  About everything and nothing.  Sometimes I feel that I am East and he is West. Referring of course to the quote by Rudyard Kipling, "Oh, East is East, and West is West, and never the twain shall meet." How did I marry this man?  Who picked him?  Has he even met me?

We are coming off of a year of intense ttc.  Did I mention that I also have unlimited IUI's on my insurance.  Running to the appointments after work, DH acting like it was a big surprise when he needed to do his part.  None of it ever seems to come at a convenient time. When they told me that I had unlimited IUI's, I thought, "Great!"  But I've found that payment isn't really the most difficult part.  It's the participation.  Sure, I was willing to give myself the shots, but DH wasn't always willing to do his part.  We talked about how humiliating it was to go into the office to give a sample.  Several times I even dropped it off if I could.  It's a  tremendous amount of pressure to do it all in a timely fashion.  Once I recall having to wake him up on a Sat. at about 7am to give me a sample.  That was fun.   And you have to get it.  People are waiting at the office for you.  The pressure!  Not to mention that if you don't get it, your weeks of shots were all in vain.  Oh the stress.  It was hard for him.

 I still have to believe that it was hardest for me (and all IFs).  I don't think he got or gets that.  Does any man really?  Can they?  They do grieve and cope in their own way.  If they ever dump us they have eternity to try with someone else.  But we have a time bomb/limit. An expiration date if you will. There is an obsessive urgency that takes over our minds.  I remember how frantic I was.  Scared.  What will I ever do without children?

Now that we haven't "formally" ttc in recent months, I look back and I'm fearful of going through that again.  I feel that if we don't use DE any other procedure is pointless.  I don't even know if I'd go back to the same place.  I'm almost embarrassed. Perhaps ashamed.  Is that stupid?  I guess I feel like a failure.  They'll look at me and say, "She's still trying?"  I told the nurse that we probably would be taking a break for a couple of months after the last IVF.  I wanted to get some of the drugs out of my system.  I wanted to try to loose weight.  I joined WW online and I did loose 25lbs. Yeh!  I could really stand to loose another 25lbs.  I once asked the doc how long people will normally continue to try.  She said about a year before they move on to something else.  She also used to say that it is possible to live a happy life without children.  How would she know, she has three.  I'm also afraid that another clinic would turn me away because of my age (41 till March).

Did I mention I'll be ovulating this weekend? So many things to consider.  How am I supposed to have sex with the man who is getting on my nerves?! I wonder if Roger Daltrey is available, he's fathered many children.  Even at his advanced age I still love him!

T

Sunday Evening Chit Chat

I wanted to talk about health insurance.  Most times it seems to cover too little, cost too much, and is a big big hassle.  I do happen to have very good insurance but I think that it will be changing in about a year.  But one of the readers mentioned that they were envious that mine included 4 IVF's.  I am very fortunate.  It didn't really change my circumstances but it did at least put my mind at ease to know that I'm pretty much screwed. 


I mention all of this because since I discovered that I was infertile I was very afraid that I would not have any IVF coverage and I would never know if IVF would've worked for me or not.  My heart goes out to the many of you who do not have the means or the coverage to allow you to try IVF.  That is a whole other Mind F*** all together.  I'm not trying to make anyone feel even worse about their situation, but no one ever seems to talk about it.  What I've learned from reading other blogs is that there are a lot of wealthy or possibly very in debt people out there.  We live in America.  IF seems as if it is an epidemic that no one outside of the blog world is acknowledging.   It is a sin that insurance does not at least cover one IVF procedure.  Every woman needs to know that she has the option to try every thing she needs to to put her weary mind at ease.  I often thing that after I've come to terms with my situation and all of my drama is over, I need to start contacting my congressmen/women and get some petitions started on behalf of women's fertility rights.  If this were happening to a man I would not be surprised if there were at least some sort of minimal coverage.  I once read that going through IF is one of the most stressful things a woman can go through.  Depression rates of IF women mirror those of women with depression and heart disease. How do we not have coverage? For IF women, having children becomes a privilege not a choice.  Can you or can't you afford the procedures?  Are you willing to mortgage your future?  It's so wrong.  During one of my visits to the clinic I asked the nurse how people are possibly paying for all of these treatments during a recession.  She told me that business had not slowed and believed that many parents were contributing towards their child's procedures.  So I've started an unofficial poll.  Feel free to weigh in!

Good Saturday Morning...Brrr!

Holy cow it's cold!  My outdoor thermometer says it's 19 degrees!  I'm warming up a bit with a nice cup of Nutcraker Sweet tea and a vanilla muffin from Wegmans. Yum! I guess the holidays are not over for me yet!

This is the pug that woke me up at 7:30 this morning.  This is Zuzu. She had a stomach ache.  In case you're wondering, we did get her name from the movie "It's A Wonderful Life."  It's one of my favorites.  And so is she.  Some background.  Zuzu is 9 1/2 yrs. old.  She's blind in her right eye and almost blind in her left eye, but cataracts seem to be stealing that vision too.  Operating will be a last resort because she also has pigmentary keratitis and the docs don't know if they will be able to operate effectively.  For now, she gets around fine for the most part.  She is my angel.  We almost considered giving her back when we learned that she would need $80 worth of cream in her eyes per month plus biannual visits to an Opthamologist 70mi away for the rest of her life.  I didn't think we could afford her.  I had a crappy job at the time just to pay the bills and had given up searching for a teaching position after 4 yrs. (It's EXTREMELY political where I live... you really have to know someone or pay someone).  On a fluke my husband encouraged me to apply in our neighboring state of NJ several months after deciding to keep the pug.  I did and BAM!  Not only did I get several interviews that summer... I also landed a job!  We always believed that we were rewarded for keeping Zuzu.  Of course, that was the year of the 911 attacks.  I was one week on the job and about 35mi outside of NYC.  My family and friends in PA were being sent home from work.  Not us.  We were instructed to stay the whole day.  One teacher's fiance' was in one of the towers and family members of many of our children and collegues worked near the towers.  It was a frightening day for a new teacher.  They should have sent us home.  I will never forget that day.

So AF came earlier this week and we're going to try naturally again.  However, recently I only have one good day of mucus.  It's now time to search Amazon for the cheapest price on Pre-Seed Personal Lub.  The doctor told me it was a "safe" one to use.  Won't kill off the good guys.  Still, I get a little paranoid that they'll all kill any chance of the little ones making their journey.  Anyone had any success with any of these "safe" assisting lubs. to use?  I am aware that I am speaking to an audience of women having difficulty getting pregnant, but seriously, I'm hoping that someone will have some insight.  Mind you, the last time we tried without lub. my husband said that I felt like a rubber chicken.  He said that and yet I still love him.  If I'm "in the mood" I'm good to go.  But lets face it, when your ttc it becomes a chore.  Help!

I'm a little behind the times.  We just watched Julie & Julia.  Meryl Streep was excellent!  She really nailed that part.  What I did learn was that Julia Child could not have children.  I did not know this.  Of course I cried when my husband pointed out the scene where in front of Notre Dame they pass a woman with a stroller and Julia notices with envy.  How could I have not seen that coming?  What a strong woman she must have been.  At that time it did not seem to be the norm.  Everyone was a housewife taking care of the children.  Fortunately they were rich!  I mean, it's got to take the edge off living in Paris don't you think?

I chuckled when Julie started her blog.  My husband is clueless.  And that's the way it needs to be...

Clinics, Clinics, Clinics!

There is such a whirlwind of emotions out there in the IF blog world! Deaths, BFN's, miscarriages, injuries, etc. What are these doctors doing to us?! We pay through the nose for all of these procedures and still they overlook things that should be fundamental.


Just for the sake of getting some info. out to anyone listening, after my last IUI the nurse asked me if I wanted to come back in a couple of days after the insemination to see how many eggs were release. Hello, what?! Never had they asked me that before. I didn't even know what the nurse was talking about. My immediate concern was that the wand would swish away any embryo that might have a chance. In the end my curiosity got the best of me and I thought I'd sacrifice that cycle for the sake of information. I guess I'm stupid but I assumed that when you took the shot to release the eggs... naturally every egg was released. Big or small. Not so apparently. Only two were released, the others were undersized and get absorbed into the body. Oh. After learning this, I began to question all of my previous IVF's. It's difficult to question the doctor about previous cycles because they tend to take the attitude that you're questioning their motives and methods. And you are. But I sucked it up and asked. I tried to review my chart as the doc flipped the pages. I know that for at least one of my IVF cycles I only had 1 or 2 eggs that were of a decent size. And despite MY pleas to not do an IVF, we did it anyway at the doctors urging. In fact, for one of the those cycles (and I cannot say which one for sure) only 1 or 2 eggs fertilized. What do you know about that?! Now, I'm not saying that the doctor's only motives were to collect a paycheck. But who knows. They knew that my insurance covered 4 IVF's. My doc was a woman and seemed sincere. She did a wonderful job with my myomectomy. She was a workaholic. Even came in on weekends and holidays. Divorced, children going to med. school/ law school, blah blah blah. I just don't know. It would be like her to worry that I was running out of time. She always stressed that we needed to be aggressive because of my age. It's really difficult to say. But what isn't difficult to say is that knowing about the size issue of my eggs and how my body naturally did not select to release the eggs that were smaller... I would've nixed at least one of my IVF's.


Just thought I put that out there.

Happy New Year! Now pass the eggs!

Thank you Sky for the heartfelt comments, really appreciated it!

Well, I made it through the holidays and I'm still alive. I even managed to sit on the floor with my SIL's daughter and help her stick the decals on the Barbie house we bought her (without crying). Pathetic, I know. But I consider that a major achievement for me. By the time they came over for New Year's day I was an old ham. I showed off by bouncing the 6mo. old on my knee for a while!

It's amazing how fast the holidays fly by. It seems like I had only just put up our tree (probably because I only decorated it on Christmas Eve) and now it's coming down.

So I've found some new blogs regarding DE's and how people have dealt with and are dealing with it all. Some of the things I've read are ALMOST shocking. I stress "almost" because in light of the things that go on in this world, I guess I can believe just about anything. One person said that DE's were against their religion and it was punishable by DEATH! WTF! That's nice! So of course that person will take that secret to their grave (No pun intended)! Most of the comments were positive. Many who had gone through the process and were open with friends and relatives found that everyone eventually had forgotten. That would truly be a blessing. I'm starting to feel that keeping it all a secret might make you feel like you've done something wrong. And nothing good can come out of that. The idea of a secret is to hide something that you're not proud of. Things we are proud of we usually want to tell. And let's face it, we IFs have been through hell ttc. If we let people know of the pain and struggles that we've been through, hopefully they will understand how wanted and loved this child will be, right? Granted there are some insensitive jerks out there, but we can learn from them too. We can learn how important it is to not judge others too harshly when we disagree with them. You don't know what they've been through. Just a thought.