Friday, February 19, 2010

Mother to no one

I love following the winter olympics and Canada looks so beautiful. But the commercials are really starting to tick me off.  Particularly the P & G commercials.  There's one where they show all of the kids competing in the olympics.  Then they cut to a middle aged mom in the stands and they flash the words, "To their moms they'll always be kids." Then, "P & G proud sponsor of moms." Everybody loves moms.  Moms, moms, moms, enough already.  Why doesn't P & G care about me?  Who will step up and be the proud sponsor of the IF woman? Wouldn't that be a hoot! I can see it now, "Ferring Pharmaceutical proud sponsor of infertiles everywhere!"

The IF woman is forgotten by most everyone.  Many can be sympathetic in the beginning, but if you start to bring up the subject too many times they eventually turn on you.  A coworker recently confided in me that she is suffering from POF.  She is only 32.  I felt so bad for her.  Her FSH is over 100 and she's been to a doctor in NY that said that they can't do anything for her.  She's taking it really hard.  She's not married and never saw it coming.  The doctors told her that she can use donor eggs but it's too soon for her to think about that.  Her family was very supportive at first.  Then when her relatives began shoving babies at her during holiday gatherings and she wasn't in the mood they told her to, "get over it." This is nothing new. People are not sympathetic to the plight of the IF woman.

My own DH has even made questionable statements at times. The freshest one that comes to mind occurred on the day that my SIL gave birth for the second time.  AF had just arrived after my 4th failed IVF. I was crying and DH said, "It's not my sister's fault that you can't get pregnant." Those words will live in infamy.  Right along side the, "you're not really family" declaration during an argument over why he did not call the church after they refused to recognize him as a Catholic so that we could be godparents to my SIL's first born 4 1/2yrs. ago. I get why he did not want to call and argue that we were married there and that he went to school there for 13yrs.  It was all about the money. They hadn't seen our envelopes so they no longer considered him a Catholic.  They probably would've had we offered to turn in a few envelopes.  I gladly would've but he was "pissed." This was before we'd started ttc.  I wanted to ttc but DH had been injured in an accident and the time was not right.  I desperately wanted to be a godparent.  I was not raised Catholic so I had no say in the matter.  My mother was Catholic and my father was Baptist.  I was able to get married in a Catholic church because when I was an infant my mother sneaked me into the Catholic church and had me baptized.  I didn't even know that I had godparents until I was about 15. When DH's sister asked us I was so honored.  It would be the only opportunity that I'd ever have to be a godparent. DH only has one sibling and mine are not Catholic. As it turns out, DH became the godfather and SIL's friend was the godmother.  Since her friend was Catholic she "sponsored" my husband.  I became the photographer for the for the day. Snapshot after snapshot of everyone holding the baby.  At the end of the day there was not one photo of me holding that child.  I thought for sure SIL would ask me and DH to pose for a shot with the baby since we were the "preferred" godparents.  I was wrong.  No one cared.  Only me.  When I mentioned it to DH after arriving home that evening it turned into a big fight.  It had to.  I could no longer contain myself.  I blamed him for screwing things up with the church and he let me have it with the, "you're not really family anyway" line.  Words do hurt and I will never forget that.  He has since apologized and even tries to convince me that he'd never said it, but it'll always be there.  I would've been such a good godmother. At least I would've had the word "mother" in a title not associated with furry children.  I would've pampered her. We had already spent hundreds on the kid and she was only an infant.  Since that time my relationship with SIL and her children has lost it's momentum.  SIL doesn't really have a clue. And after unsuccessfully ttc I realize now that being a godmother was the only opportunity that I was going to get to be the "mother" of someone.  I can't help but question if I will ever be considered "family" to DH if we don't have a child.  There will be nothing that forever ties us together.  His aunt and uncle split up 4 yrs. ago after 34 yrs. of marriage.  They never had children.  My husband and his uncle "in-law" were very close.  Since the divorce it's as if his uncle never existed.  I don't want that to be me but I can't help but think that if we divorce there will be no one around who cares.  No one will miss me.  It sounds selfish but it's the way I'm feeling right now.  Like the lonely old lady in the nursing home that no one visits.  And it will probably be a county nursing home because all of my money went towards my DH's current college education.

10 comments:

  1. your post hit home with me so I had to respond. I have felt many times that people care... but only to a certain point. Most are not sympathetic toward IF... and my DH has certainly pissed me off more than once. My heart goes out to you and I pray that you gain stregth through all that you're going through... sometimes when people start realizing that we need them... it's too late...

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  2. I'm sorry. :( When our nephew was born, dh & I got asked to be the godparents. I'm not Catholic; dh was born & raised, although he doesn't go anymore. I was a little concerned that this might be a problem & sure enough, they did mention that the godparents had to be Catholic -- at the very end of our information session!! -- my dear SIL stuck up for me & said, "If she was good enough to be the maid of honour at my wedding, she's good enough to be the godmother of my child." They eventually decided that if one godparent (dh) was Catholic, that should be sufficient. He is my only godchild so I am very happy I got to do it in the end.

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  3. A very poignant post. Words definitely hurt, especially when they are coming from those people who you are closest in the world to - I can't forget my mum telling me that I was becoming bitter and my sister to 'get over it' - they had previously been my people that I could vent and say anything to. Not long after I started my blog. You are so right, the world totally ignores the IF woman.

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  4. Don't you know that IF women aren't really women? We don't "count", because we're not moms. But, as Sandra Bullock so eloquently said, "Just because you can breed, doesn't make you a mom. You're a mom because you care." I get told a million times by my stepdaughter, "My REAL mom....." I'm just a fake one. I'm afraid if we adopt I won't be the "real" mom either. Life sure hurts.

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  5. My DH calls it 'support fatigue.' People support in the beginning, but then they get tired of it. They don't realize that it is a daily, living reality of ours, to be assaulted with commercials like the one you saw and to always feel like we are on the other side of the fence. It's lonely over here, dammit! IF sucks, in every possible way.

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  6. This was an amazing post. Thank you for sharing. Everyone is so insensitive. Unfortunately, they can't help it. They don't want to acknowledge the reality of IF. I am so sorry that you didn't get to be the godmother, and I agree you had every right to be pissed at your husband. I will check back here, and I really hope things start improving for you soon.

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  7. That P&G commercial ticked me off so much that I decided to no longer purchase P&G products since I am not a member of their target market: moms. I encourage others to do the same, although I guess it would have more impact if we were to write to P&G.

    I also share your fear of being alone in an old age home with no visitors, but having children does not guarantee that they will visit you (or even outlive you as my late grandmother could attest). Please remember that children are not insurance policies against loneliness in old age. This truth has helped me a great deal when contemplating living childfree.

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  8. Thank you so much. You guys are great! It really helps to have input. It makes me feel validated.

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  9. The "you are not family" statement is rough...I am so sorry you were left out of that special day. Thanks for your supportive post...I have needed my cyber hugs today. Sending some bear hugs your way.

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  10. Wow! I relate to every word. We're adopting, but the long process of that after IF has definitely left me feeling lonely. Also feeling very left out of the Mom club. The worst I find is when women with children can't think of a single thing to say to me... I've often felt like I have a highly contagious disease.
    This was a lovely post! Thank!

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