Sunday Evening Chit Chat

I wanted to talk about health insurance.  Most times it seems to cover too little, cost too much, and is a big big hassle.  I do happen to have very good insurance but I think that it will be changing in about a year.  But one of the readers mentioned that they were envious that mine included 4 IVF's.  I am very fortunate.  It didn't really change my circumstances but it did at least put my mind at ease to know that I'm pretty much screwed. 


I mention all of this because since I discovered that I was infertile I was very afraid that I would not have any IVF coverage and I would never know if IVF would've worked for me or not.  My heart goes out to the many of you who do not have the means or the coverage to allow you to try IVF.  That is a whole other Mind F*** all together.  I'm not trying to make anyone feel even worse about their situation, but no one ever seems to talk about it.  What I've learned from reading other blogs is that there are a lot of wealthy or possibly very in debt people out there.  We live in America.  IF seems as if it is an epidemic that no one outside of the blog world is acknowledging.   It is a sin that insurance does not at least cover one IVF procedure.  Every woman needs to know that she has the option to try every thing she needs to to put her weary mind at ease.  I often thing that after I've come to terms with my situation and all of my drama is over, I need to start contacting my congressmen/women and get some petitions started on behalf of women's fertility rights.  If this were happening to a man I would not be surprised if there were at least some sort of minimal coverage.  I once read that going through IF is one of the most stressful things a woman can go through.  Depression rates of IF women mirror those of women with depression and heart disease. How do we not have coverage? For IF women, having children becomes a privilege not a choice.  Can you or can't you afford the procedures?  Are you willing to mortgage your future?  It's so wrong.  During one of my visits to the clinic I asked the nurse how people are possibly paying for all of these treatments during a recession.  She told me that business had not slowed and believed that many parents were contributing towards their child's procedures.  So I've started an unofficial poll.  Feel free to weigh in!

Good Saturday Morning...Brrr!

Holy cow it's cold!  My outdoor thermometer says it's 19 degrees!  I'm warming up a bit with a nice cup of Nutcraker Sweet tea and a vanilla muffin from Wegmans. Yum! I guess the holidays are not over for me yet!

This is the pug that woke me up at 7:30 this morning.  This is Zuzu. She had a stomach ache.  In case you're wondering, we did get her name from the movie "It's A Wonderful Life."  It's one of my favorites.  And so is she.  Some background.  Zuzu is 9 1/2 yrs. old.  She's blind in her right eye and almost blind in her left eye, but cataracts seem to be stealing that vision too.  Operating will be a last resort because she also has pigmentary keratitis and the docs don't know if they will be able to operate effectively.  For now, she gets around fine for the most part.  She is my angel.  We almost considered giving her back when we learned that she would need $80 worth of cream in her eyes per month plus biannual visits to an Opthamologist 70mi away for the rest of her life.  I didn't think we could afford her.  I had a crappy job at the time just to pay the bills and had given up searching for a teaching position after 4 yrs. (It's EXTREMELY political where I live... you really have to know someone or pay someone).  On a fluke my husband encouraged me to apply in our neighboring state of NJ several months after deciding to keep the pug.  I did and BAM!  Not only did I get several interviews that summer... I also landed a job!  We always believed that we were rewarded for keeping Zuzu.  Of course, that was the year of the 911 attacks.  I was one week on the job and about 35mi outside of NYC.  My family and friends in PA were being sent home from work.  Not us.  We were instructed to stay the whole day.  One teacher's fiance' was in one of the towers and family members of many of our children and collegues worked near the towers.  It was a frightening day for a new teacher.  They should have sent us home.  I will never forget that day.

So AF came earlier this week and we're going to try naturally again.  However, recently I only have one good day of mucus.  It's now time to search Amazon for the cheapest price on Pre-Seed Personal Lub.  The doctor told me it was a "safe" one to use.  Won't kill off the good guys.  Still, I get a little paranoid that they'll all kill any chance of the little ones making their journey.  Anyone had any success with any of these "safe" assisting lubs. to use?  I am aware that I am speaking to an audience of women having difficulty getting pregnant, but seriously, I'm hoping that someone will have some insight.  Mind you, the last time we tried without lub. my husband said that I felt like a rubber chicken.  He said that and yet I still love him.  If I'm "in the mood" I'm good to go.  But lets face it, when your ttc it becomes a chore.  Help!

I'm a little behind the times.  We just watched Julie & Julia.  Meryl Streep was excellent!  She really nailed that part.  What I did learn was that Julia Child could not have children.  I did not know this.  Of course I cried when my husband pointed out the scene where in front of Notre Dame they pass a woman with a stroller and Julia notices with envy.  How could I have not seen that coming?  What a strong woman she must have been.  At that time it did not seem to be the norm.  Everyone was a housewife taking care of the children.  Fortunately they were rich!  I mean, it's got to take the edge off living in Paris don't you think?

I chuckled when Julie started her blog.  My husband is clueless.  And that's the way it needs to be...

Clinics, Clinics, Clinics!

There is such a whirlwind of emotions out there in the IF blog world! Deaths, BFN's, miscarriages, injuries, etc. What are these doctors doing to us?! We pay through the nose for all of these procedures and still they overlook things that should be fundamental.


Just for the sake of getting some info. out to anyone listening, after my last IUI the nurse asked me if I wanted to come back in a couple of days after the insemination to see how many eggs were release. Hello, what?! Never had they asked me that before. I didn't even know what the nurse was talking about. My immediate concern was that the wand would swish away any embryo that might have a chance. In the end my curiosity got the best of me and I thought I'd sacrifice that cycle for the sake of information. I guess I'm stupid but I assumed that when you took the shot to release the eggs... naturally every egg was released. Big or small. Not so apparently. Only two were released, the others were undersized and get absorbed into the body. Oh. After learning this, I began to question all of my previous IVF's. It's difficult to question the doctor about previous cycles because they tend to take the attitude that you're questioning their motives and methods. And you are. But I sucked it up and asked. I tried to review my chart as the doc flipped the pages. I know that for at least one of my IVF cycles I only had 1 or 2 eggs that were of a decent size. And despite MY pleas to not do an IVF, we did it anyway at the doctors urging. In fact, for one of the those cycles (and I cannot say which one for sure) only 1 or 2 eggs fertilized. What do you know about that?! Now, I'm not saying that the doctor's only motives were to collect a paycheck. But who knows. They knew that my insurance covered 4 IVF's. My doc was a woman and seemed sincere. She did a wonderful job with my myomectomy. She was a workaholic. Even came in on weekends and holidays. Divorced, children going to med. school/ law school, blah blah blah. I just don't know. It would be like her to worry that I was running out of time. She always stressed that we needed to be aggressive because of my age. It's really difficult to say. But what isn't difficult to say is that knowing about the size issue of my eggs and how my body naturally did not select to release the eggs that were smaller... I would've nixed at least one of my IVF's.


Just thought I put that out there.

Happy New Year! Now pass the eggs!

Thank you Sky for the heartfelt comments, really appreciated it!

Well, I made it through the holidays and I'm still alive. I even managed to sit on the floor with my SIL's daughter and help her stick the decals on the Barbie house we bought her (without crying). Pathetic, I know. But I consider that a major achievement for me. By the time they came over for New Year's day I was an old ham. I showed off by bouncing the 6mo. old on my knee for a while!

It's amazing how fast the holidays fly by. It seems like I had only just put up our tree (probably because I only decorated it on Christmas Eve) and now it's coming down.

So I've found some new blogs regarding DE's and how people have dealt with and are dealing with it all. Some of the things I've read are ALMOST shocking. I stress "almost" because in light of the things that go on in this world, I guess I can believe just about anything. One person said that DE's were against their religion and it was punishable by DEATH! WTF! That's nice! So of course that person will take that secret to their grave (No pun intended)! Most of the comments were positive. Many who had gone through the process and were open with friends and relatives found that everyone eventually had forgotten. That would truly be a blessing. I'm starting to feel that keeping it all a secret might make you feel like you've done something wrong. And nothing good can come out of that. The idea of a secret is to hide something that you're not proud of. Things we are proud of we usually want to tell. And let's face it, we IFs have been through hell ttc. If we let people know of the pain and struggles that we've been through, hopefully they will understand how wanted and loved this child will be, right? Granted there are some insensitive jerks out there, but we can learn from them too. We can learn how important it is to not judge others too harshly when we disagree with them. You don't know what they've been through. Just a thought.

Christmas Eve

This is a day when all should be wonderful. Then why do I feel so blue? Let me count the ways...

1. I'm not pregnant.
2. My chances of getting pregnant are slipping away.
3. I'm feeling very alone.
4. My mom has been sick for months.
5. I'm going to be forced to sit at my SIL's house tomorrow and make nice nice with their 4yr. old and 6mo. old.
6. My husband has been very short with me because he doesn't understand why I'm blue.
7. I recently ovulated and we didn't have sex.
8. Finances are getting a little tight.
9. I have no one to talk to about this kind of thing.

Thank you for listening.

Bethenny Frankel Is Pregnant?

So I was home sick yesterday and what comes across the TV, Bethenny Frankel from The Real Housewives of NYC is pregnant. I can't believe it. She's 39. I can't believe it. Did she even try?? How do these people get so lucky? I don't even think she's been dating the guy for a year yet. Not fair Not fair Not fair! Then I just read that Padma from Top Chef is also expecting her first at age 39! Come on! How does this affect me directly you ask? I was one of the many suckers that believed pregnancy at an advanced age was not an issue. My mother had no problems, why should I? There's Halle Berry, Marcia Cross, Salma Hayek and the list goes on! How many of them actually admit to DE's or IVF? Not that many. In fact, I can't think of any star that has ever admitted to DE's. A public figure also needs to stress that these are very costly processes and the average couple might not be able to afford such procedures. Did Marcia Cross use DE's? We'll never know. It's none of our business. It's a very touchy issue. How would it affect her children if word got out? These are the questions I pose to myself about my own situation. I'd like to use DE's (aside from the expense), but what would I say to the child and what would I say to my family? If nothing is said, would I feel like I was living a lie? How receptive is the older generation to that kind of news? The current generation has trouble digesting it. So many people don't see IF as a problem. There is this misconception that you just have an IVF procedure and you have a child. Everyone neglects to mention how low the statistics are at this age. It's very depressing. I wish I could go back in time and change things. Doesn't everyone in this situation? Despite my indifference towards DE's, I've kept it in the back of my mind as a last resort. The only problem with that is, what if that doesn't work? I've read several blogs now where DE's have not been working. What is this world coming to? Haven't we IF's suffered enough?