One of my favorite students has been missing from class more frequently than usual. I asked some of the others if they knew what was wrong. As it turns out she's pregnant. She's due at the end of June. She's a pretty girl... long blonde hair, athletic and a relatively intelligent 11th grader. I feel awful for her, but it's not like she wasn't aware of the consequences. I was even surprised that she was keeping it. As it turns out she's living with her boyfriend (also a former student of mine) and her parents are apparently supportive of her decision. Truthfully 20% of the students in each of my H.S. classes has a child. Unbelievable but it's true. Some have infants, some have toddlers and some have girlfriends currently expecting. True, the school that I teach at has a very diverse population and many of the cultures are more excepting of this. But they're still just kids themselves. If we can't get the parents educated what chance is there for their children's education? My student says she's going to continue through to graduation...but how? I asked one of my girls that has a 7 month old if she missed her daughter while she was at school. She said, "Yes but I enjoy the time away too." How sad. For both of them. She doesn't truly get to appreciate the gift she's been given, and her daughter doesn't get the benefit of being with her mother as much as she should be. What is wrong with this picture?
It gets to be very surreal sometimes. I can't help but thinking, "that should be me not her." Then it would be a joyous occasion all around. The responsible adult that waited until she had a career and a house would be set to raise a child. The H.S. student would have her whole life ahead of her. She could finish high school on time and perhaps decide to continue onto college. But things don't seem to go that smoothly. It almost feels as if it's one or the other. I can't even blame her knowing what I now know to be true. If she does get the support that she needs, she'll have a child possibly graduating college by the time she's my age. Who knows, if she aborted this baby maybe she'll never get another chance. I know she's young. But then I'm old and infertile. I wish I could turn back the clock but I can't. She probably wishes for the same thing. It's a sad mixed up world.
I've noticed that about every five or ten years I look back and realize the mistakes that I've made and how I would change things. It's like that song, "I wish that I knew what I know now... when I was younger." I think it was a car commercial or something. But how do you live in the moment and have the forethought to make decisions that you're not going to regret in the future. If I keep spending time looking back I'm going to miss what I should be enjoying now and will be regretting it when I'm fifty.
I'm sorry for rambling. The DH and I have been under the weather lately.
It snowed another twelve inches on Friday. I thought I'd keep the falling snow on my blog because apparently we might be getting more in the coming week. I've lost track of how many inches we've had this winter. I think it's around forty!
I'm trying to keep up on reading all of your blogs. It's not easy. You guys are really great to talk to.
Sunday, February 28, 2010
Friday, February 19, 2010
Mother to no one
I love following the winter olympics and Canada looks so beautiful. But the commercials are really starting to tick me off. Particularly the P & G commercials. There's one where they show all of the kids competing in the olympics. Then they cut to a middle aged mom in the stands and they flash the words, "To their moms they'll always be kids." Then, "P & G proud sponsor of moms." Everybody loves moms. Moms, moms, moms, enough already. Why doesn't P & G care about me? Who will step up and be the proud sponsor of the IF woman? Wouldn't that be a hoot! I can see it now, "Ferring Pharmaceutical proud sponsor of infertiles everywhere!"
The IF woman is forgotten by most everyone. Many can be sympathetic in the beginning, but if you start to bring up the subject too many times they eventually turn on you. A coworker recently confided in me that she is suffering from POF. She is only 32. I felt so bad for her. Her FSH is over 100 and she's been to a doctor in NY that said that they can't do anything for her. She's taking it really hard. She's not married and never saw it coming. The doctors told her that she can use donor eggs but it's too soon for her to think about that. Her family was very supportive at first. Then when her relatives began shoving babies at her during holiday gatherings and she wasn't in the mood they told her to, "get over it." This is nothing new. People are not sympathetic to the plight of the IF woman.
My own DH has even made questionable statements at times. The freshest one that comes to mind occurred on the day that my SIL gave birth for the second time. AF had just arrived after my 4th failed IVF. I was crying and DH said, "It's not my sister's fault that you can't get pregnant." Those words will live in infamy. Right along side the, "you're not really family" declaration during an argument over why he did not call the church after they refused to recognize him as a Catholic so that we could be godparents to my SIL's first born 4 1/2yrs. ago. I get why he did not want to call and argue that we were married there and that he went to school there for 13yrs. It was all about the money. They hadn't seen our envelopes so they no longer considered him a Catholic. They probably would've had we offered to turn in a few envelopes. I gladly would've but he was "pissed." This was before we'd started ttc. I wanted to ttc but DH had been injured in an accident and the time was not right. I desperately wanted to be a godparent. I was not raised Catholic so I had no say in the matter. My mother was Catholic and my father was Baptist. I was able to get married in a Catholic church because when I was an infant my mother sneaked me into the Catholic church and had me baptized. I didn't even know that I had godparents until I was about 15. When DH's sister asked us I was so honored. It would be the only opportunity that I'd ever have to be a godparent. DH only has one sibling and mine are not Catholic. As it turns out, DH became the godfather and SIL's friend was the godmother. Since her friend was Catholic she "sponsored" my husband. I became the photographer for the for the day. Snapshot after snapshot of everyone holding the baby. At the end of the day there was not one photo of me holding that child. I thought for sure SIL would ask me and DH to pose for a shot with the baby since we were the "preferred" godparents. I was wrong. No one cared. Only me. When I mentioned it to DH after arriving home that evening it turned into a big fight. It had to. I could no longer contain myself. I blamed him for screwing things up with the church and he let me have it with the, "you're not really family anyway" line. Words do hurt and I will never forget that. He has since apologized and even tries to convince me that he'd never said it, but it'll always be there. I would've been such a good godmother. At least I would've had the word "mother" in a title not associated with furry children. I would've pampered her. We had already spent hundreds on the kid and she was only an infant. Since that time my relationship with SIL and her children has lost it's momentum. SIL doesn't really have a clue. And after unsuccessfully ttc I realize now that being a godmother was the only opportunity that I was going to get to be the "mother" of someone. I can't help but question if I will ever be considered "family" to DH if we don't have a child. There will be nothing that forever ties us together. His aunt and uncle split up 4 yrs. ago after 34 yrs. of marriage. They never had children. My husband and his uncle "in-law" were very close. Since the divorce it's as if his uncle never existed. I don't want that to be me but I can't help but think that if we divorce there will be no one around who cares. No one will miss me. It sounds selfish but it's the way I'm feeling right now. Like the lonely old lady in the nursing home that no one visits. And it will probably be a county nursing home because all of my money went towards my DH's current college education.
The IF woman is forgotten by most everyone. Many can be sympathetic in the beginning, but if you start to bring up the subject too many times they eventually turn on you. A coworker recently confided in me that she is suffering from POF. She is only 32. I felt so bad for her. Her FSH is over 100 and she's been to a doctor in NY that said that they can't do anything for her. She's taking it really hard. She's not married and never saw it coming. The doctors told her that she can use donor eggs but it's too soon for her to think about that. Her family was very supportive at first. Then when her relatives began shoving babies at her during holiday gatherings and she wasn't in the mood they told her to, "get over it." This is nothing new. People are not sympathetic to the plight of the IF woman.
My own DH has even made questionable statements at times. The freshest one that comes to mind occurred on the day that my SIL gave birth for the second time. AF had just arrived after my 4th failed IVF. I was crying and DH said, "It's not my sister's fault that you can't get pregnant." Those words will live in infamy. Right along side the, "you're not really family" declaration during an argument over why he did not call the church after they refused to recognize him as a Catholic so that we could be godparents to my SIL's first born 4 1/2yrs. ago. I get why he did not want to call and argue that we were married there and that he went to school there for 13yrs. It was all about the money. They hadn't seen our envelopes so they no longer considered him a Catholic. They probably would've had we offered to turn in a few envelopes. I gladly would've but he was "pissed." This was before we'd started ttc. I wanted to ttc but DH had been injured in an accident and the time was not right. I desperately wanted to be a godparent. I was not raised Catholic so I had no say in the matter. My mother was Catholic and my father was Baptist. I was able to get married in a Catholic church because when I was an infant my mother sneaked me into the Catholic church and had me baptized. I didn't even know that I had godparents until I was about 15. When DH's sister asked us I was so honored. It would be the only opportunity that I'd ever have to be a godparent. DH only has one sibling and mine are not Catholic. As it turns out, DH became the godfather and SIL's friend was the godmother. Since her friend was Catholic she "sponsored" my husband. I became the photographer for the for the day. Snapshot after snapshot of everyone holding the baby. At the end of the day there was not one photo of me holding that child. I thought for sure SIL would ask me and DH to pose for a shot with the baby since we were the "preferred" godparents. I was wrong. No one cared. Only me. When I mentioned it to DH after arriving home that evening it turned into a big fight. It had to. I could no longer contain myself. I blamed him for screwing things up with the church and he let me have it with the, "you're not really family anyway" line. Words do hurt and I will never forget that. He has since apologized and even tries to convince me that he'd never said it, but it'll always be there. I would've been such a good godmother. At least I would've had the word "mother" in a title not associated with furry children. I would've pampered her. We had already spent hundreds on the kid and she was only an infant. Since that time my relationship with SIL and her children has lost it's momentum. SIL doesn't really have a clue. And after unsuccessfully ttc I realize now that being a godmother was the only opportunity that I was going to get to be the "mother" of someone. I can't help but question if I will ever be considered "family" to DH if we don't have a child. There will be nothing that forever ties us together. His aunt and uncle split up 4 yrs. ago after 34 yrs. of marriage. They never had children. My husband and his uncle "in-law" were very close. Since the divorce it's as if his uncle never existed. I don't want that to be me but I can't help but think that if we divorce there will be no one around who cares. No one will miss me. It sounds selfish but it's the way I'm feeling right now. Like the lonely old lady in the nursing home that no one visits. And it will probably be a county nursing home because all of my money went towards my DH's current college education.
Wednesday, February 10, 2010
Snow Again! Damn That Groundhog!
This just has to stop. Had off today because we're getting hammered with snow. It started last night and has not stopped. At this moment we have over a foot! I'm trying to dig paths for the pugs who are completely confused. Particularly the blind one. All the major highways and businesses are closed. Well that will leave me plenty of time to post my sob story that I've been wanting to write. To be continued....
Sunday, February 7, 2010
Superbowl Sunday!
Okay, I'm not a big football fan, but I am a big Who fan. In case you're not aware...The Who will be playing at half time! I'm quite the obsessed fan. I've seen them several times in the past few years when they've toured. Fortunately my DH shares my enthusiasm. In his defense he likes the Stones better. Last November I got to meet Roger Daltrey! No, not because I'm special. He was touring alone for a few months and had some meet and greet packages. Very expensive but well worth it! My husband knows how obsessed I am and purchased tickets for a second event. At the time I could've killed him because of the expense. I'm very frugal. Fortunately he's not. I met him twice!!! I know what you're thinking, that I'm a nut. Well, I am. And, yes, he is a senior citizen (Ha, ha), but wholly crap! He's in better shape than me and my husband! I am soOO in love with this man!
I've included some photos for my enjoyment:
If I weren't barren I would have his baby (even though I think he has six and has been married for 39yrs)!
Go New Orleans! I'm not really a fan but they've been through so much. Have a great day ladies!
I've included some photos for my enjoyment:
If I weren't barren I would have his baby (even though I think he has six and has been married for 39yrs)!
Go New Orleans! I'm not really a fan but they've been through so much. Have a great day ladies!
Saturday, February 6, 2010
Snowbound Saturday!
So we got hit with 8 inches of snow last night. Depending on where you live, 8 inches really isn't that bad. Mornings like these are nice because there is no pressure to go anywhere. Just a lot of shoveling. Treated the DH and the pugs to a big breakfast of organic eggs, organic bacon and freshly ground and brewed Jamaican Blue Mountain coffee. Yum! The pugs didn't like the coffee too much (Ha, ha!). We really don't get the opportunity to eat like that often because it takes an enormous amount of time. If anyone is ever in the market to purchase a new coffee maker I suggest the Cuisinart Grind and Brew. Get the newer version, the updates are well worth the price. Having freshly ground coffee without the mess of having to get out the small grinder is a dream! Just put the beans in and select how many cups you want to brew and presto! It measures everything out for you. And let me tell you ladies, freshly brewed decaf is just as good as regular!
Off to a long day of cleaning, shoveling and laundry. Enjoy your day everyone and stay warm!
Off to a long day of cleaning, shoveling and laundry. Enjoy your day everyone and stay warm!
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
Happy Groundhog Day Everyone!
Six more weeks of winter! Like we couldn't see that one coming! Groundhog day was always well publicized in grade school around here. The same thing goes for Faschnauts Day. The students at my school are mildly familiar with Groundhog Day. I've made it my duty today to make sure that they all leave my class knowing its history. Go Punxsutawney Phil! By the way, if you've never seen the movie "Groundhog Day," it was hysterical. To relive the same day over and over again...not for me! But I guess there are some days that were truly wonderful that I would be fine reliving. Here are a few:
- Christmas Eve with my nannie. Dean Martin on the record player, the smell of fried shrimp, baccala, and spaghetti and nuts cooking.
- Any random conversation with my dad. He can talk for hours.
- Bringing home my first dog Max. That's Max on the right.
- Finding out that I got my teaching position.
- Looking into my husbands eyes and knowing for the first time that I was in love with him.
- My wedding day. It was magical and I'll never forget it.
- Flying into Maui for our honeymoon without getting airsick. The 11 hrs. went by in a snap.
- Opening the door of our new house after apartment living for 9 years.
- The first time that I danced with a guy that I really liked.
- My first long kiss.
- The first and only apple that I ever received from one of my students. It was this year. I had to look away because I was tearing up.
- The first time that I saw a Bison. And a day shortly after that we'd seen a heard of Bison crossing the water in front of us. We were in Yellowstone and traffic stopped to let them all cross. It was a sight to behold.
- The beautiful day that I'd spent in Koln Germany with my first serious boyfriend. Dated him for 8 1/2 years.
- The day that my DH (then boyfriend) visited me at my apartment in college and brought me a 12 pack of toilet paper. I had very little money and was living off of student loans at the time. Very depressed and living alone. I was taken by complete surprise when he showed up and stayed the night.
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